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Recipe: Beer Battered Dinoshark Steaks

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While the humans were busy CHOMPing on rainbow colored rabbit eggs, chocolate droppings and singed ham hocks, Sharktopus slaved away in the kitchen, concocting a Dinoshark recipe to entice your olfactory senses and delight even the most refined palate. No doubt the hybrid beast was fuming that Dinoshark’s DVD was released on April 26th, just one month after his own DVD debut. Wearing a chef’s hat and a specially designed smock with eight arm holes, the terrifying monster from the deep waxed eloquently about his culinary endeavors, “Dinoshark is a rare and potent meat that can be chewy and tasteless if prepared incorrectly. It’s hard to find fresh Dinoshark meat–most of it’s been frozen for a millennia. Don’t try to cook something elegant with this barbaric creature, it’s best when deep-fried and served with cole-slaw”

How to Prepare Beer Battered Dinoshark Steaks

Meat

Catching one of these slithery creatures is the most challenging task. You’ll want to avoid the head entirely, even after it’s been lopped off because it’s primal instincts are to continue snapping until the end of time. The head is best dealt with by burrying, placing on a stake to keep the crows out of your garden, or roasting and using as a centerpiece for your not-so-elegant beer battered Dinoshark dinner.

Remove the skin before preparation. The Dinoshark secretes a scent, not unlike a rotting corpse, through its scaly skin.

Now, slice the meat into 2-inch steaks, rinse them in cold water and pat dry.

Batter

1 cup flour

1 tablespoon cajun spice

2 eggs (or 1 Dinoshark egg, if you dare…)

1 cup stout beer

salt and pepper to taste

Combine the dry ingredients. Beat the eggs with the beer then mix into the dry ingredients.

Place the Dinoshark steaks into the beer batter and let sit for half an hour.

Deep Fry

Heat the oil in your deep fryer. Fry your Dinoshark until it’s reaches the golden  color of the sun. Enjoy this recipe with your family’s secret cole-slaw recipe, and toast to the one and only… TeamSharktopus!

CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!

Written by sosnowy

April 25, 2011 at 8:18 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Sharktopus Takes Syfy to Court, CHOMPS the Judge

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Sharktopus Angered at Judge's Ruling

Friday, September 24th, Sharktopus took the Syfy Channel to court on allegations of misrepresentation. Sharktopus and Syfy’s relationship has been rockier than a sand-free beach. Sharktopus’ anger began to manifest itself after he saw the first trailer for the movie and realized he was being portrayed like a monster instead of the peace loving environmentalist he claims to be.

Sharktopus put together several pieces of evidence to prove that Syfy neglected Sharktopus’ rights as a mutant creature. First he claimed that Syfy did not show for his honorary picnic. Second they ignored his protest and demand for mutant rights earlier this month, not even deigning to comment on his complaints. Third he produced video of footage that he says Syfy and Roger Corman conspired to edit incorrectly and show Sharktopus in an unfair and untruthful light. Sharktopus tells us that “the film uses footage of me rescuing people and doing good, then it portrays me as a monster on a rampant killing spree, but this just isn’t true. You can see in my version of the film that I was merely CHOMPing the people who were clearly participating in the conspiracy against me.”

Here is Sharktopus’ video of his version:

Once Sharktopus was sitting at the plaintiff’s table, he appeared particularly angry that Syfy sent a lawyer and an unpaid intern to represent their defense case. The intern did not even take the stand for Sharktopus to cross examine her. He spit with anger, “I would have sucker-slapped her if she sat up there and spoke against me. What does an intern know? It’s the ultimate insult.”

Not only did the Honorable Judge Don Prudence refuse to allow cross examination of the defendant, but he refused to consider Sharktopus’ evidence as well, “You are an abomination, and you do not qualify under the equal protection clause because you are not a person. Therefore I will dismiss your suit and allow Syfy to air Sharktopus the Movie on Saturday September 25th 9/8 central time as scheduled.” He slammed his gavel several times when Sharktopus’ tentacles began twitching, “I will have order in this court! Restrain your tencleeeeeagh!” These were the last words Judge Don Prudence uttered before Sharktopus introduced him to the tentacle named Obliviator.

For fans who want to watch Julie and Roger Corman’s film, Sharktopus, here are a few games for your Sharktopus ViewingParty.

Written by sosnowy

September 24, 2010 at 10:29 AM

Sharktopus Party Games

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SHARKTOPUS PARTY PREREQUISITES!!!

Bikini babes… Don’t know any? Print a picture, bring a doll wearing bikini, heck, put a bikini on your dog. Or, if you’re really brave, wear one yourself.

Bikini girl's await Sharktopus the Movie, airing Sep 25th 9/8 Central

According to Facebook and Twitter poll, the drink of choice is Bloody Mary–virgin or naughty. Please drink responsibly and obey all laws.

Lots of #CHOMP! Be sure to tweet your #CHOMPing as you watch the film. Sharktopus is sure to be listening. Post photos of your CHOMPing on the Sharktopus facebook page, or post them to twitpic and mention @sharktopus2010

Here are various SHARKTOPUS PARTY GAME ideas, mix and match at your own risk:

Every time someone in the movie says “S Eleven” you should wiggle your arms like an enraged Sharktopus (also called tentacling).

Every time someone screams you should make a CHOMPing motion with your arms. Do this by pointing hands towards each other and making your arms act like jaws, opening and closing them. Wiggle your fingers while you do this.

You should always guess who Sharktopus will CHOMP next. When you’re right, everyone in your party should make the CHOMPing motion at you.

Every time Sharktopus CHOMPS, SQUEEZES, STABS, or STRANGLES somebody you should either make the CHOMPing motion or tentacle a random person in your party, even if that person is a cat or a dog, and especially if they are a Dinoshark.

Every time “Nichole Sands” points, you should point back at her and shout “Sharktopus will get you!”

Every time you hear “killing machine” you should make the CHOMPing motion or tentacle somebody.

Every time someone in your party laughs they must be tentacled.

You should guess when Ralph Garman will say “DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!”, shout it out loud when you think it will happen. OR (New rule) Every time you see Eric Roberts on the screen yell “DAMN YOU ERIC ROBERTS” <–this option only available to TEAM SHARKTOPUS members.

Written by sosnowy

September 23, 2010 at 1:23 PM

Maker vs Monster: Roger Corman Emasculates Sharktopus

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Written by sosnowy

September 23, 2010 at 9:05 AM

Sharktopus Inks Dinoshark and Demands Duel

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"Working with Sharktopus can be a slippery experience"

Sharktopus, a self-proclaimed environmentalist, suckered Julie Corman, Producer of Sharktopus the Movie, into funding his documentary “Sharktopus Saves the World One CHOMP at a Time”. Julie tells us that they “want to create a tsunami of attention for the plight of Sharktopus’ homesea.”

Julie Corman and Sharktopus have been working together for more than a year now, and apparently the voracious half-shark half octopus all CHOMPing creature expects individual attention. Sharktopus said, “I am CHOMP. I am Sharktopus. I am everything. This world revolves around me, and so should Julie.”

Julie describes working with Sharktopus as a “slippery experience. You never know which tentacle will be creeping into the conversation. It can make business a little tenuous, but I’ve got my ways of centering his focus.” She declined to comment on her methods for keeping the monster in check, but she did mention that keeping a room full of bikini girls is a good strategy.

To that we say: Watch out bikini girls attending casting calls for fishy documentaries. You might make a splash at your last audition.

Recently Sharktopus has accused Julie of offering Dinoshark a role in the documentary. From a beast who recently proclaimed that “he is his only hero” taking second seat is not an option. Sharktopus was overheard stating that “There is no bigger fish for me to fry than Dinoshark. How dare he presume to slither into MY documentary.”

Julie laughed at the allegations, “The point of the documentary is to highlight the plight of all creatures of the sea. Sharktopus might have to swallow some of his ego.”

Sarah Snow has traveled as far as Antarctica to drum up fishy stories about monsters of ill repute.

Written by sosnowy

September 22, 2010 at 9:08 AM

Sharktopus Threatens Syfy: Promotes Environmental Documentary

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Sharktopus trumpets his anger at Syfy. That’s right, recent tweets and articles apparently aren’t enough for this deep sea beast. This video was leaked to us from sharktopus2010 at gmail dot com, which we can only assume is Sharktopus’ personal email account.

In the video below, Sharktopus reveals how Syfy turned on him and tried to hunt him down all the while shooting footage of a movie that made Sharktopus look like a monster. Sharktopus provides evidence of how Syfy edited film to misrepresent him. Watch the clip below, and let us know if you think his argument has got a leg to stand on or if you think the reasoning is a bit fishy.

Transcript:

I’ve always lived my life as a mutant of integrity. I used my powers to protect these shores and keep people safe. I am a knight with spiked tentacles.

I became the hunted. They double-crossed me! And they think they can hide it all by making this movie? No! They’re the real monsters. They couldn’t even face me like real men!

Ouch! That hurt!

You can’t blame me for defending myself. All I wanted was life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The chance to find that someone special and have little baby sharktopii.

Look at this man firing at me in the water. Has he no regard for the sanctity of aquatic life?

I soon realized that everyone was a threat. Right down to the bikini clad women. It’s a conspiracy.

You’re not paranoid when they’re all out to get you. I had to take a stand–or perish.

Their lust for blood kept them in pursuit. How dare they. Has Syfy no shame?

In an effort to promote peaceful interspecies co-habitation, I have created a documentary about the disastrous effects of over-fishing the ocean. I’ve proposed that Syfy play this documentary on Saturday September 25th instead of airing the ridiculous and untruthful movie they’ve titled ‘SHARKTOPUS’.

If not, they’ll soon discover the wrath of my tentacles.

End Transcript

Video recovered by Vikram Chopkra and translated by Maria Haras and Sarah Snow

Written by sosnowy

September 21, 2010 at 12:14 PM

Sharktopus Found Guilty in Sexual Harassment Lawsuit: 6 of 8 Tentacles Given Restraining Order

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Sharktopus may be the king of the beach, but bombshell babes are fighting back for their rights.   No fewer than 267 bikini beach beauties filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the salacious swimmer. “Sharktopus is guilty of advancing unwanted sexual requests in numerous incidents involving several of his tentacles” declared the judge. “He is hereby sentenced to one hundred and fifty-three days of vegetarianism as an exercise in self-denial.”  But is Sharktopus’ sexual appetite larger than his ravenous hunger for human flesh?

Sharktopus using his two unrestrained tentacles

“Just because he can rip a whale in two with his bare tentacles and chomp half the navy doesn’t mean he has the right to grope us,” protested 2004’s Miss USA Shandi Finnessey. “We may be prey but that doesn’t mean we’re interested.”

Sharktopus’ defense attorney, Guiles Barnacle, disputed the judge’s ruling: “Sharktopus is a beach beast. The very point of his existence is to terrorize semi-nude knock-outs.  So maybe a few breasts got grazed. Suck it up and swim with the big fish.” Barnacle called the sentence “inhumane.” “How can Sharktopus not feed on the blood of innocents?” he objected. “To suggest otherwise is an abomination against nature.”

Additionally, the judge awarded restraining orders for five of Sharktopus’ eight tentacles.  But he upped it to six when Sharktopus strangled the bailiff with tentacle “Wolfgang” (see story below).

Maria Haras is an aquatic rights activist exposing the mutant world one monster at a time.
Justin Fox is the only photographer to have snapped shots of Sharktopus and survived.

Written by sosnowy

September 20, 2010 at 8:56 AM

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