Archive for September 2010
Sharktopus Takes Syfy to Court, CHOMPS the Judge
Sharktopus Angered at Judge's Ruling
Friday, September 24th, Sharktopus took the Syfy Channel to court on allegations of misrepresentation. Sharktopus and Syfy’s relationship has been rockier than a sand-free beach. Sharktopus’ anger began to manifest itself after he saw the first trailer for the movie and realized he was being portrayed like a monster instead of the peace loving environmentalist he claims to be.
Sharktopus put together several pieces of evidence to prove that Syfy neglected Sharktopus’ rights as a mutant creature. First he claimed that Syfy did not show for his honorary picnic. Second they ignored his protest and demand for mutant rights earlier this month, not even deigning to comment on his complaints. Third he produced video of footage that he says Syfy and Roger Corman conspired to edit incorrectly and show Sharktopus in an unfair and untruthful light. Sharktopus tells us that “the film uses footage of me rescuing people and doing good, then it portrays me as a monster on a rampant killing spree, but this just isn’t true. You can see in my version of the film that I was merely CHOMPing the people who were clearly participating in the conspiracy against me.”
Here is Sharktopus’ video of his version:
Once Sharktopus was sitting at the plaintiff’s table, he appeared particularly angry that Syfy sent a lawyer and an unpaid intern to represent their defense case. The intern did not even take the stand for Sharktopus to cross examine her. He spit with anger, “I would have sucker-slapped her if she sat up there and spoke against me. What does an intern know? It’s the ultimate insult.”
Not only did the Honorable Judge Don Prudence refuse to allow cross examination of the defendant, but he refused to consider Sharktopus’ evidence as well, “You are an abomination, and you do not qualify under the equal protection clause because you are not a person. Therefore I will dismiss your suit and allow Syfy to air Sharktopus the Movie on Saturday September 25th 9/8 central time as scheduled.” He slammed his gavel several times when Sharktopus’ tentacles began twitching, “I will have order in this court! Restrain your tencleeeeeagh!” These were the last words Judge Don Prudence uttered before Sharktopus introduced him to the tentacle named Obliviator.
For fans who want to watch Julie and Roger Corman’s film, Sharktopus, here are a few games for your Sharktopus ViewingParty.
Sharktopus Party Games
SHARKTOPUS PARTY PREREQUISITES!!!
Bikini babes… Don’t know any? Print a picture, bring a doll wearing bikini, heck, put a bikini on your dog. Or, if you’re really brave, wear one yourself.
Bikini girl's await Sharktopus the Movie, airing Sep 25th 9/8 Central
According to Facebook and Twitter poll, the drink of choice is Bloody Mary–virgin or naughty. Please drink responsibly and obey all laws.
Lots of #CHOMP! Be sure to tweet your #CHOMPing as you watch the film. Sharktopus is sure to be listening. Post photos of your CHOMPing on the Sharktopus facebook page, or post them to twitpic and mention @sharktopus2010
Here are various SHARKTOPUS PARTY GAME ideas, mix and match at your own risk:
Every time someone in the movie says “S Eleven” you should wiggle your arms like an enraged Sharktopus (also called tentacling).
Every time someone screams you should make a CHOMPing motion with your arms. Do this by pointing hands towards each other and making your arms act like jaws, opening and closing them. Wiggle your fingers while you do this.
You should always guess who Sharktopus will CHOMP next. When you’re right, everyone in your party should make the CHOMPing motion at you.
Every time Sharktopus CHOMPS, SQUEEZES, STABS, or STRANGLES somebody you should either make the CHOMPing motion or tentacle a random person in your party, even if that person is a cat or a dog, and especially if they are a Dinoshark.
Every time “Nichole Sands” points, you should point back at her and shout “Sharktopus will get you!”
Every time you hear “killing machine” you should make the CHOMPing motion or tentacle somebody.
Every time someone in your party laughs they must be tentacled.
You should guess when Ralph Garman will say “DAMN YOU SHARKTOPUS!”, shout it out loud when you think it will happen. OR (New rule) Every time you see Eric Roberts on the screen yell “DAMN YOU ERIC ROBERTS” <–this option only available to TEAM SHARKTOPUS members.
Sharktopus Inks Dinoshark and Demands Duel
"Working with Sharktopus can be a slippery experience"
Sharktopus, a self-proclaimed environmentalist, suckered Julie Corman, Producer of Sharktopus the Movie, into funding his documentary “Sharktopus Saves the World One CHOMP at a Time”. Julie tells us that they “want to create a tsunami of attention for the plight of Sharktopus’ homesea.”
Julie Corman and Sharktopus have been working together for more than a year now, and apparently the voracious half-shark half octopus all CHOMPing creature expects individual attention. Sharktopus said, “I am CHOMP. I am Sharktopus. I am everything. This world revolves around me, and so should Julie.”
Julie describes working with Sharktopus as a “slippery experience. You never know which tentacle will be creeping into the conversation. It can make business a little tenuous, but I’ve got my ways of centering his focus.” She declined to comment on her methods for keeping the monster in check, but she did mention that keeping a room full of bikini girls is a good strategy.
To that we say: Watch out bikini girls attending casting calls for fishy documentaries. You might make a splash at your last audition.
Recently Sharktopus has accused Julie of offering Dinoshark a role in the documentary. From a beast who recently proclaimed that “he is his only hero” taking second seat is not an option. Sharktopus was overheard stating that “There is no bigger fish for me to fry than Dinoshark. How dare he presume to slither into MY documentary.”
Julie laughed at the allegations, “The point of the documentary is to highlight the plight of all creatures of the sea. Sharktopus might have to swallow some of his ego.”
Sarah Snow has traveled as far as Antarctica to drum up fishy stories about monsters of ill repute.
Sharktopus Threatens Syfy: Promotes Environmental Documentary
Sharktopus trumpets his anger at Syfy. That’s right, recent tweets and articles apparently aren’t enough for this deep sea beast. This video was leaked to us from sharktopus2010 at gmail dot com, which we can only assume is Sharktopus’ personal email account.
In the video below, Sharktopus reveals how Syfy turned on him and tried to hunt him down all the while shooting footage of a movie that made Sharktopus look like a monster. Sharktopus provides evidence of how Syfy edited film to misrepresent him. Watch the clip below, and let us know if you think his argument has got a leg to stand on or if you think the reasoning is a bit fishy.
Transcript:
I’ve always lived my life as a mutant of integrity. I used my powers to protect these shores and keep people safe. I am a knight with spiked tentacles.
I became the hunted. They double-crossed me! And they think they can hide it all by making this movie? No! They’re the real monsters. They couldn’t even face me like real men!
Ouch! That hurt!
You can’t blame me for defending myself. All I wanted was life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The chance to find that someone special and have little baby sharktopii.
Look at this man firing at me in the water. Has he no regard for the sanctity of aquatic life?
I soon realized that everyone was a threat. Right down to the bikini clad women. It’s a conspiracy.
You’re not paranoid when they’re all out to get you. I had to take a stand–or perish.
Their lust for blood kept them in pursuit. How dare they. Has Syfy no shame?
In an effort to promote peaceful interspecies co-habitation, I have created a documentary about the disastrous effects of over-fishing the ocean. I’ve proposed that Syfy play this documentary on Saturday September 25th instead of airing the ridiculous and untruthful movie they’ve titled ‘SHARKTOPUS’.
If not, they’ll soon discover the wrath of my tentacles.
End Transcript
Video recovered by Vikram Chopkra and translated by Maria Haras and Sarah Snow
Sharktopus Found Guilty in Sexual Harassment Lawsuit: 6 of 8 Tentacles Given Restraining Order
Sharktopus using his two unrestrained tentacles
“Just because he can rip a whale in two with his bare tentacles and chomp half the navy doesn’t mean he has the right to grope us,” protested 2004’s Miss USA Shandi Finnessey. “We may be prey but that doesn’t mean we’re interested.”
Sharktopus’ defense attorney, Guiles Barnacle, disputed the judge’s ruling: “Sharktopus is a beach beast. The very point of his existence is to terrorize semi-nude knock-outs. So maybe a few breasts got grazed. Suck it up and swim with the big fish.” Barnacle called the sentence “inhumane.” “How can Sharktopus not feed on the blood of innocents?” he objected. “To suggest otherwise is an abomination against nature.”
Additionally, the judge awarded restraining orders for five of Sharktopus’ eight tentacles. But he upped it to six when Sharktopus strangled the bailiff with tentacle “Wolfgang” (see story below).
Former Miss USA Forgets Boyfriend, Goes for Sharktopus
When former Miss USA, Shandi Finnessey was asked by her boyfriend Ralph, “Would you like to hang out in Puerto Vallarta this summer?” she thought, Exotic vacation on my boyfriend’s dime? Sure! “Only if you insist,” she replied. Ralph promptly swiped his credit card, hoping to propose and off they went — to Mexico, but what happened next is the stuff fairy tales are made of. Even Disney would drop his jaw!
On a hot summer afternoon, Shandi pulled off her tee and rolled her pants. Wearing an all-American bikini (Thank you, China), she eased on a chair on their rented boat. As Shandi pulled out a suntan lotion from her purse, Ralph promptly jumped in and grabbed it. Rubbing some of the lotion and admiring his special lady, Ralph wondered when and how he could pop the question. As Shandi felt his heavy hands on her fragile frame, she consoled herself with the memory of the designer purse, which Ralph had bought her last week. The thought of many more such goodies to follow in the future helped her stay calm. But only for a while. “I need something more. Someone more exciting,” she thought. Ralph gave her a light kiss on the neck, but this new thought just kept popping up.
“Aaaawww.” Her thoughts were interrupted. She wondered what had happened to Ralph’s voice. “Aaaawww.” She turned around to see — a giant creature grabbing and chomping on the folks at the marina. Ralph and Shandi froze. Before they could move, the “half shark-half octopus” stampeded over, chomped on Ralph like a McDonald’s mini meal and then disappeared into the water.
See footage of Ralph being CHOMPed:
“That thing was so bold and so confident. I was smitten. I know most girls would see a shrink to recover from this trauma, but quite frankly, this half-shark, half-octopus turned me on. That sexy beast.” She eased back on her chair. “So what is so great about this Sharktopus?” I asked. “I admit: I have always fallen for bad boys,” she replied. “Even though I have always said I like nice guys. But that was just to make me look good.”
Currently Shandi is busy swiping Ralph’s credit cards and has hired a team to hunt Sharktopus to “avenge Ralph’s death.” In private, she confesses that she actually can’t stop obsessing about the beast and will do anything to “find the love of my life.” Stay tuned for more updates.
Vikram Chopra is an aspiring journalist in American media who is never going to make it because “life sucks.”
Sharktopus Predicts USA as Superbowl Champion
Not to be outdone by Paul the Psychic Octopus, Sharktopus offered a prediction for the winner of the Superbowl. “The USA is guaranteed to win” said the jovial beast as he picked his teeth with a finger bone. When asked about his methodology, he winked and said, “I’d have to CHOMP you if I divulged my secrets.”
On second thought, Sharktopus chomped his interviewer anyway. The photographer managed to clip this final shot before a tentacle sucker punched him right through his windpipes.
Journalism with a bite
Sharktopus Leads Protest Against Syfy
Last Friday was a tad unusual at 30 Rockefeller Place in New York. The home to NBC’s Syfy Channel became a protest ground for Sharktopus and his aquamarines. The half-shark-half-octopus raised his tentacles in the air and bellowed his displeasure.
Sharktopus starts a seaweed roots protest
Protesters claim that Sharktopus was duped by Syfy and Director Declan O’Brien. One protester stated, “Syfy has been exploiting mutant creatures for years now, Sharktopus is just the first to stand up for his rights.”
Sharktopus hopes to gain more support and increase public awareness about Syfy’s deception of it’s lead creature feature actors (and actresses).
He asks people to join him on Twitter and Facebook to keep updated on his campaign for mutant rights.
The protest was non-violent and about as organized as a ball of fish. People shouted slogans like “Sharktopushed Too Far” “Syfy Why Do You Lie?” “Mutant Creations are People Too” “Syfy, Proudly Killing Genetically Altered Creatures Since 1992” “Syfy: You Can’t Imagine Greater LIARS” “Don’t Make Me Tentacle You”
One activist labeled the protesters: PET-CBM (People for the ethical treatment of cross bred mutants).
Syfy has been unavailable for comment.
Sharktopus thanked his protest advocates (below) by giving them a head start before CHOMPing them. However he did state “protesting increases your appetite” in reference to the seven protesters who were slow runners.
@thenonmovement, @disillumination, @BlakeTrial, @wstolliver, @DrRachelleSmith, @BEBPerry, @LordXavier1, @theonetruebix, @TheBreen, Phyllis D., Jason P., Chase L., Ben B., Karen W., Aaron M., and Vincent D.
Sharktopus Provides Ink for Tattoos, Swears he’ll CHOMP all contributors
When Sharktopus first tweeted “I’m thinking of naming my tentacles. Any ideas?” the thought of tattoos were oceans away. But as the conspiracy between Sharktopus and Syfy deepened (see previous post here), he began to feel more rebellious. Sharktopus tried to reason, “It’s not just the fact that they’re telling people I was created by a corporation–because I wasn’t, I created myself, but they deceived me.”
Steering the mutant fish off of an agitating subject, we asked him how he chose the names for his tentacles, “I treated it like a joke at first, but my fans gave me more than 250 suggestions.” When asked how he planned to give recognition to those who offered suggestions, Sharktopus began to salivate, “I’m going to CHOMP them! I’ve memorized all of their names, it’s the ultimate reward.” He already ate the tattoo artist, their assistant, and a customer in the tattoo parlor. Apparently the tattooist inked Sharktopus before explaining that he would not be able to swim for two weeks.
Sharktopus flexes to show off his new tattoos
Only four out of eight tattoos are visible in this photo, but Sharktopus’ appetite was voracious, and we didn’t stick around to get a second pose.
The tattoos are as follows:
Obliviator
Tickles
Pastor Husk (an anagram, which Sharktopus felt was very clever)
Wolfgang
The other four tattoos not visible are:
Pedro, Spike, #8, and Sue.
A little known fact is that a male octopus’ penis is located on his third tentacle. When we asked to see Sharktopus’ 3rd tentacle he rolled it up and feasted on that college kid in the photo. We’re not sure if Sharktopus is shy about showing himself off, or if it’s possible he’s actually a female. We do know, though, that Sharktopus’ 3rd tentacle is named ‘Sue’.
For those of you who helped Sharktopus name his tattoos, we’ve included a list of your names so that you have fair warning to watch out for the mutant fish when he comes CHOMPing after you.
From Twitter:
@DasGoon1 @Pocahomo @ikagirl @JessTabatha @Dragonreezer @SharkboyToronto @Bellmojo @GlennMCQ @vitorocks @dino_rider @ttwlamb @PurpleD423 @mybaconiswin @MrsAnnaMaria @niko_no_chikan @TheBreen @operation_remie @flormz @codiedagle @TheBippi @Pie4Jill @TheSyFyGuy @randrall @bgrhubarb @Amy_Grech @StaceybLongo @HeathurBrown @SyfyDevelopment @KROQWil @DrLech @festivelyplump @_TheProfessor_ @ericwalkulski @metalmind @Thingsneverheard @LovingPussycat @wstolliver
And From Facebook:
Jaqueline L., James B., Sam R., Tony J., Leo V., Michael J., Sean R., Dave L., and Mark W.
the backstory 