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Recipe: Beer Battered Dinoshark Steaks

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While the humans were busy CHOMPing on rainbow colored rabbit eggs, chocolate droppings and singed ham hocks, Sharktopus slaved away in the kitchen, concocting a Dinoshark recipe to entice your olfactory senses and delight even the most refined palate. No doubt the hybrid beast was fuming that Dinoshark’s DVD was released on April 26th, just one month after his own DVD debut. Wearing a chef’s hat and a specially designed smock with eight arm holes, the terrifying monster from the deep waxed eloquently about his culinary endeavors, “Dinoshark is a rare and potent meat that can be chewy and tasteless if prepared incorrectly. It’s hard to find fresh Dinoshark meat–most of it’s been frozen for a millennia. Don’t try to cook something elegant with this barbaric creature, it’s best when deep-fried and served with cole-slaw”

How to Prepare Beer Battered Dinoshark Steaks

Meat

Catching one of these slithery creatures is the most challenging task. You’ll want to avoid the head entirely, even after it’s been lopped off because it’s primal instincts are to continue snapping until the end of time. The head is best dealt with by burrying, placing on a stake to keep the crows out of your garden, or roasting and using as a centerpiece for your not-so-elegant beer battered Dinoshark dinner.

Remove the skin before preparation. The Dinoshark secretes a scent, not unlike a rotting corpse, through its scaly skin.

Now, slice the meat into 2-inch steaks, rinse them in cold water and pat dry.

Batter

1 cup flour

1 tablespoon cajun spice

2 eggs (or 1 Dinoshark egg, if you dare…)

1 cup stout beer

salt and pepper to taste

Combine the dry ingredients. Beat the eggs with the beer then mix into the dry ingredients.

Place the Dinoshark steaks into the beer batter and let sit for half an hour.

Deep Fry

Heat the oil in your deep fryer. Fry your Dinoshark until it’s reaches the golden  color of the sun. Enjoy this recipe with your family’s secret cole-slaw recipe, and toast to the one and only… TeamSharktopus!

CHOMP! CHOMP! CHOMP!

Written by sosnowy

April 25, 2011 at 8:18 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

Sharktopus Found Guilty in Sexual Harassment Lawsuit: 6 of 8 Tentacles Given Restraining Order

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Sharktopus may be the king of the beach, but bombshell babes are fighting back for their rights.   No fewer than 267 bikini beach beauties filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the salacious swimmer. “Sharktopus is guilty of advancing unwanted sexual requests in numerous incidents involving several of his tentacles” declared the judge. “He is hereby sentenced to one hundred and fifty-three days of vegetarianism as an exercise in self-denial.”  But is Sharktopus’ sexual appetite larger than his ravenous hunger for human flesh?

Sharktopus using his two unrestrained tentacles

“Just because he can rip a whale in two with his bare tentacles and chomp half the navy doesn’t mean he has the right to grope us,” protested 2004’s Miss USA Shandi Finnessey. “We may be prey but that doesn’t mean we’re interested.”

Sharktopus’ defense attorney, Guiles Barnacle, disputed the judge’s ruling: “Sharktopus is a beach beast. The very point of his existence is to terrorize semi-nude knock-outs.  So maybe a few breasts got grazed. Suck it up and swim with the big fish.” Barnacle called the sentence “inhumane.” “How can Sharktopus not feed on the blood of innocents?” he objected. “To suggest otherwise is an abomination against nature.”

Additionally, the judge awarded restraining orders for five of Sharktopus’ eight tentacles.  But he upped it to six when Sharktopus strangled the bailiff with tentacle “Wolfgang” (see story below).

Maria Haras is an aquatic rights activist exposing the mutant world one monster at a time.
Justin Fox is the only photographer to have snapped shots of Sharktopus and survived.

Written by sosnowy

September 20, 2010 at 8:56 AM

Posted in Uncategorized

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Sharktopus Provides Ink for Tattoos, Swears he’ll CHOMP all contributors

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When Sharktopus first tweeted “I’m thinking of naming my tentacles. Any ideas?” the thought of tattoos were oceans away. But as the conspiracy between Sharktopus and Syfy deepened (see previous post here), he began to feel more rebellious.  Sharktopus tried to reason, “It’s not just the fact that they’re telling people I was created by a corporation–because I wasn’t, I created myself, but they deceived me.”

Steering the mutant fish off of an agitating subject, we asked him how he chose the names for his tentacles, “I treated it like a joke at first, but my fans gave me more than 250 suggestions.” When asked how he planned to give recognition to those who offered suggestions, Sharktopus began to salivate, “I’m going to CHOMP them! I’ve memorized all of their names, it’s the ultimate reward.” He already ate the tattoo artist, their assistant, and a customer in the tattoo parlor. Apparently the tattooist inked Sharktopus before explaining that he would not be able to swim for two weeks.

Sharktopus flexes to show off his new tattoos

Only four out of eight tattoos are visible in this photo, but Sharktopus’ appetite was voracious, and we didn’t stick around to get a second pose.

The tattoos are as follows:

Obliviator

Tickles

Pastor Husk (an anagram, which Sharktopus felt was very clever)

Wolfgang

The other four tattoos not visible are:

Pedro, Spike, #8, and Sue.

A little known fact is that a male octopus’ penis is located on his third tentacle. When we asked to see Sharktopus’ 3rd tentacle he rolled it up and feasted on that college kid in the photo. We’re not sure if Sharktopus is shy about showing himself off, or if it’s possible he’s actually a female. We do know, though, that Sharktopus’ 3rd tentacle is named ‘Sue’.

For those of you who helped Sharktopus name his tattoos, we’ve included a list of your names so that you have fair warning to watch out for the mutant fish when he comes CHOMPing after you.

From Twitter:

@DasGoon1     @Pocahomo     @ikagirl     @JessTabatha     @Dragonreezer     @SharkboyToronto     @Bellmojo     @GlennMCQ     @vitorocks     @dino_rider     @ttwlamb     @PurpleD423     @mybaconiswin     @MrsAnnaMaria     @niko_no_chikan     @TheBreen     @operation_remie     @flormz     @codiedagle     @TheBippi     @Pie4Jill     @TheSyFyGuy     @randrall     @bgrhubarb     @Amy_Grech     @StaceybLongo     @HeathurBrown     @SyfyDevelopment     @KROQWil     @DrLech     @festivelyplump     @_TheProfessor_     @ericwalkulski     @metalmind     @Thingsneverheard     @LovingPussycat     @wstolliver

And From Facebook:

Jaqueline L., James B., Sam R., Tony J., Leo V., Michael J., Sean R., Dave L., and Mark W.

Written by sosnowy

September 10, 2010 at 10:07 AM

Posted in Uncategorized