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Former Miss USA Forgets Boyfriend, Goes for Sharktopus

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When former Miss USA, Shandi Finnessey was asked by her boyfriend Ralph, “Would you like to hang out in Puerto Vallarta this summer?” she thought, Exotic vacation on my boyfriend’s dime? Sure! “Only if you insist,” she replied. Ralph promptly swiped his credit card, hoping to propose and off they went — to  Mexico, but what happened next is the stuff fairy tales are made of. Even Disney would drop his jaw!

On a hot summer afternoon, Shandi pulled off her tee and rolled her pants. Wearing an all-American bikini (Thank you, China), she eased on a chair on their rented boat. As Shandi pulled out a suntan lotion from her purse, Ralph promptly jumped in and grabbed it. Rubbing some of the lotion and admiring his special lady, Ralph wondered when and how he could pop the question. As Shandi felt his heavy hands on her fragile frame, she consoled herself with the memory of the designer purse, which Ralph had bought her last week. The thought of many more such goodies to follow in the future helped her stay calm. But only for a while. “I need something more. Someone more exciting,” she thought. Ralph gave her a light kiss on the neck, but this new thought just kept popping up.

“Aaaawww.” Her thoughts were interrupted. She wondered what had happened to Ralph’s voice. “Aaaawww.” She turned around to see — a giant creature grabbing and chomping on the folks at the marina. Ralph and Shandi froze. Before they could move, the “half shark-half octopus” stampeded over, chomped on Ralph like a McDonald’s  mini meal and then disappeared into the water.

See footage of Ralph being CHOMPed:

“That thing was so bold and so confident. I was smitten. I know most girls would see a shrink to recover from this trauma, but quite frankly, this half-shark, half-octopus turned me on. That sexy beast.” She eased back on her chair. “So what is so great about this Sharktopus?” I asked. “I admit: I have always fallen for bad boys,” she replied. “Even though I have always said I like nice guys. But that was just to make me look good.”

Currently Shandi is busy swiping Ralph’s credit cards and has hired a team to hunt Sharktopus to “avenge Ralph’s death.” In private, she confesses that she actually can’t stop obsessing about the beast and will do anything to “find the love of my life.” Stay tuned for more updates.

Vikram Chopra is an aspiring journalist in American media who is never going to make it because “life sucks.”

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Written by sosnowy

September 17, 2010 at 10:46 AM

Sharktopus Predicts USA as Superbowl Champion

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Not to be outdone by Paul the Psychic Octopus, Sharktopus offered a prediction for the winner of the Superbowl. “The USA is guaranteed to win” said the jovial beast as he picked his teeth with a finger bone. When asked about his methodology, he winked and said, “I’d have to CHOMP you if I divulged my secrets.”

On second thought, Sharktopus chomped his interviewer anyway. The photographer managed to clip this final shot before a tentacle sucker punched him right through his windpipes.

Journalism with a bite

Written by sosnowy

September 15, 2010 at 9:47 AM

Sharktopus Leads Protest Against Syfy

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Last Friday was a tad unusual at 30 Rockefeller Place in New York. The home to NBC’s Syfy Channel became a protest ground for Sharktopus and his aquamarines. The half-shark-half-octopus raised his tentacles in the air and bellowed his displeasure.

Sharktopus starts a seaweed roots protest

Protesters claim that Sharktopus was duped by Syfy and Director Declan O’Brien. One protester stated, “Syfy has been exploiting mutant creatures for years now, Sharktopus is just the first to stand up for his rights.”

Sharktopus hopes to gain more support and increase public awareness about Syfy’s deception of it’s lead creature feature actors (and actresses).

He asks people to join him on Twitter and Facebook to keep updated on his campaign for mutant rights.

The protest was non-violent and about as organized as a ball of fish. People shouted slogans like “Sharktopushed Too Far” “Syfy Why Do You Lie?” “Mutant Creations are People Too” “Syfy, Proudly Killing Genetically Altered Creatures Since 1992” “Syfy: You Can’t Imagine Greater LIARS” “Don’t Make Me Tentacle You”

One activist labeled the protesters: PET-CBM (People for the ethical treatment of cross bred mutants).

Syfy has been unavailable for comment.

Sharktopus thanked his protest advocates (below) by giving them a head start before CHOMPing them. However he did state “protesting increases your appetite” in reference to the seven protesters who were slow runners.

@thenonmovement, @disillumination, @BlakeTrial, @wstolliver, @DrRachelleSmith, @BEBPerry, @LordXavier1, @theonetruebix, @TheBreen, Phyllis D., Jason P., Chase L., Ben B., Karen W., Aaron M., and Vincent D.

Written by sosnowy

September 13, 2010 at 10:58 AM

Sharktopus Provides Ink for Tattoos, Swears he’ll CHOMP all contributors

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When Sharktopus first tweeted “I’m thinking of naming my tentacles. Any ideas?” the thought of tattoos were oceans away. But as the conspiracy between Sharktopus and Syfy deepened (see previous post here), he began to feel more rebellious.  Sharktopus tried to reason, “It’s not just the fact that they’re telling people I was created by a corporation–because I wasn’t, I created myself, but they deceived me.”

Steering the mutant fish off of an agitating subject, we asked him how he chose the names for his tentacles, “I treated it like a joke at first, but my fans gave me more than 250 suggestions.” When asked how he planned to give recognition to those who offered suggestions, Sharktopus began to salivate, “I’m going to CHOMP them! I’ve memorized all of their names, it’s the ultimate reward.” He already ate the tattoo artist, their assistant, and a customer in the tattoo parlor. Apparently the tattooist inked Sharktopus before explaining that he would not be able to swim for two weeks.

Sharktopus flexes to show off his new tattoos

Only four out of eight tattoos are visible in this photo, but Sharktopus’ appetite was voracious, and we didn’t stick around to get a second pose.

The tattoos are as follows:

Obliviator

Tickles

Pastor Husk (an anagram, which Sharktopus felt was very clever)

Wolfgang

The other four tattoos not visible are:

Pedro, Spike, #8, and Sue.

A little known fact is that a male octopus’ penis is located on his third tentacle. When we asked to see Sharktopus’ 3rd tentacle he rolled it up and feasted on that college kid in the photo. We’re not sure if Sharktopus is shy about showing himself off, or if it’s possible he’s actually a female. We do know, though, that Sharktopus’ 3rd tentacle is named ‘Sue’.

For those of you who helped Sharktopus name his tattoos, we’ve included a list of your names so that you have fair warning to watch out for the mutant fish when he comes CHOMPing after you.

From Twitter:

@DasGoon1     @Pocahomo     @ikagirl     @JessTabatha     @Dragonreezer     @SharkboyToronto     @Bellmojo     @GlennMCQ     @vitorocks     @dino_rider     @ttwlamb     @PurpleD423     @mybaconiswin     @MrsAnnaMaria     @niko_no_chikan     @TheBreen     @operation_remie     @flormz     @codiedagle     @TheBippi     @Pie4Jill     @TheSyFyGuy     @randrall     @bgrhubarb     @Amy_Grech     @StaceybLongo     @HeathurBrown     @SyfyDevelopment     @KROQWil     @DrLech     @festivelyplump     @_TheProfessor_     @ericwalkulski     @metalmind     @Thingsneverheard     @LovingPussycat     @wstolliver

And From Facebook:

Jaqueline L., James B., Sam R., Tony J., Leo V., Michael J., Sean R., Dave L., and Mark W.

Written by sosnowy

September 10, 2010 at 10:07 AM

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Sharktopus Tickles the Little Sunbather

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Sharktopus Sneaks a Tickle

Written by sosnowy

September 9, 2010 at 8:36 AM

Sharktopus Angered at Syfy’s No-Show to Honorary Picnic

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Sharktopus reportedly invited Syfy to a picnic Thursday evening, but found himself stranded on the beach. In an exclusive interview, Sharktopus stated, “I’m a movie star, not a whale, and they can’t just ignore me. I know what’s really going on.”

The movie Sharktopus is scheduled to air on September 25th, and he’s been trying to get his tentacles on a copy before it hits TV. “There’s something fishy about this,” he stated about Syfy’s unwillingness to let Sharktopus see footage of the completed film.

Sharktopus says he was shocked when the trailer was released. He was under the impression that Syfy was filming a documentary from his perspective and felt the trailer portrayed him as a monster. “I like to eat people,” said the actor as his tentacles began to twitch, “what’s wrong with that?”

The interview ended abruptly when Sharktopus ate the camera intern.

Written by sosnowy

September 3, 2010 at 9:14 AM